"Alone. Yes, that's the key word. The most awful word in the english tongue. Murder doesn't hold a candle to it and hell is only a poor synonym."-Stephen King
It's easy to feel alone in the world, misunderstood, unloved. We all must go through those long nights. We make drastic changes in our lives, often in a desperate fight to not feel lonely. Loneliness has been the curse that caused many bad decisions throughout history. It is also something that can teach and inspire us to better ourselves.
The definition of loneliness is both subjective and objective. How you perceive the world determines how you define it. And our darkest, deepest of emotions, such as loneliness, is no exception.
I would like to share with you a story I heard from Mary Chapin Carpenter's song "John Doe No. 24" I discovered it in the late 90's, and the story behind it starts in 1945 in Jacksonville, Illinois. A black teenager is seen roaming the streets. He is deaf and mute and seemingly all alone. When the police find him, they decide he is mentally ill and lock him away in a mental institution. He will spend the rest of his life in places like this. He once scribbled the name "Lewis". That's the only clue we have as to his name.
The environment of mental institutions at that time was very rough. He developed some abnormal behavior as a result. They gave him many drugs, which eventually caused him to go blind. It wasn't until later in his life that people were assigned to help him. He got close to each of them, but suffered severe depression every time one of those people left him.
"The years kept passing as they passed me around from one state ward to another. Like I was an orphan shoe from the lost and found, always missing the other."- Mary Chapin Carpenter.
As the years went by, things improved in the mental health institutions, and John found more caregivers, and even an assisted living facility where he could live somewhat independently. He was very much loved by everyone who took care of him. Sometimes, they would bring a jazz band to play for the patients. John danced his heart out. He loved the vibrations that he could feel as the band played on. He was warm, funny and compassionate. The prejudices of the 40's and a flawed mental health system shattered many of his hopes and dreams. But he kept his spirit intact.
"What we see, over and over again, is that there's a resiliency of the human spirit that is not going to be destroyed. It's not going to just survive, it's going to win. John is a good example of that."-Sister Bernadette Wynne. Helen Keller National Center for Deaf-Blind Youths and Adults
In 1993, John died. He was to be buried in an unmarked grave. Luckily, Mary Chapin Carpenter not only read the obituary and wrote her song about him, but also purchased a tombstone for him. On this tombstone, is one of the lyrics from her song:
"Life's a mystery, so too is the human heart."
I want my first tattoo to be these words.
After the song came out, it inspired David Bakke to find out more about this man, and he interviewed everyone he could find. His book "God knows his name: The True Story of John Doe No. 24" is among my most prized books.
There's lots we can learn from John. We can be thankful for all the people and love that we have in our lives. We can be thankful that the world is not the same as it was in 1945. We can be thankful for the chances and freedoms that we have that John did not. But his story is not just one to teach us gratitude, it's also one to remind us that no matter how hard things get in life, we can pull through and still be that warm, compassionate person that he was. And despite whatever obstacles we face, we can make our hopes and dreams a reality. Growing within and connecting with others is what life is all about. We should not only do it for ourselves, but for those we might be able to help. We should also do it to honor all who came before us and tried, both the ones who came out the other end better off, and for those that just didn't have the strength.
I think about him often. I tell this story to the people I know as much as I can. But the best way to hear the story, is to listen to the song:
BDSM and kinks are powerful, fun, and rewarding, but as with anything worth exploring in life, risk comes with it. As I've explained in previous entries, I suffer from depression, anxiety, and have faced thoughts of suicide many times in my past. I would not have made it this far if it wasn't for persistence to be constantly be aware of my thoughts. Which ones are logical? Which ones are not? These were the two big questions I challenged myself with every day throughout my college career. I put college off until I was 25, and when I finally made the jump and got enrolled, I realized that I wasn't going to make it in school or in life if I allowed the depression to get the best of me. I found that in order to complete my education, my thoughts had to change. I had to stop telling myself that I couldn't. I had to avoid feeling so inferior and less smart or capable then my peers. And I had to have a positive attitude. While I still struggle today, I'm far better off then I was before my college days. Through determination to better myself, I got into the habit of protecting myself from myself. Making sure the feelings of worthlessness and being less of a person then others did not get into my way. I graduated almost a year ago now, but after four years of practicing this, it became a habit, and a good one.
But that's where things get confusing. In my own life, I struggle with these feelings, but yet in the bedroom they also turn me on! I think there's a lot to be said about having the opportunity to celebrate your problems, to embrace both the good and the bad about yourself, and when Trevor ties me up and uses me, he's in control. I don't have to do a damn thing but lay there and submit, and I get a break from constantly worrying about what I'm thinking. It makes me feel relieved and ready to keep taking the problems on. Sometimes in order to make a problem better, you have to embrace it first.
But you have to know how far to take it. To an extent, it can help, but it can also hurt if you go to far. That's the reality of BDSM. And how far is too far is completely individual.
Case in point: Trevor and I. We have talked at length about my issues. He has been there and helped me many times. And my life is easier and better because of him. Mind fucking is a big part of his kinks, and I expressed concern that I may not be the right person for it, but I also consented to it. Looking back, I knew deep down inside that it was wrong for me to do that kind of play. Safety starts with the sub. If the sub doesn't establish the needed limits, then that's where the danger begins.
Trevor was very careful as to how he carried it out. It started out first as a new punishment; I was not allowed to touch his dick anymore. Then, he hooked up with three other people inside of one week, sent me pics of his new "better" bottom and also sent some text messages telling me how much of a worthless fag I am. While I licked his ass, he edged but didn't cum, saying that I wasn't good enough to make him cum.
The word "fag" is also an issue with me. I had a fairly severe speech impediment growing up. In fact, you could hardly understand a word I was saying for the first ten years of my life. Because I sounded so different, the other kids decided that I was gay, They called me every name in the book, but mostly "fag" and "fag boy". While there are other factors that affected my ability to develop social skills, this certainly played a big role in my development. Being called these names constantly every day as a young child, not having a single teacher or staff member attempt to stop it was hard enough. Finding out later that I was gay? Not easy at all. I was even called fag during my high school graduation. It hurts for any gay person to be called this, and my history with this word probably means that I shouldn't play with it. It gets difficult here, because as much as I want to embrace and celebrate my problems and past in the context of BDSM play, there's still unsafe paths that should be avoided. I didn't recognize this, in fact I told Trevor that the word doesn't bother me anymore. I told him this several times over the course of six months. But time has passed, personal reflection has happened, and he said he won't use that word with me anymore. That was his call, and it's probably for the best.
All of those things were just meant for play. And compared to other mental play, it's very light. He was being very careful, and he made sure to talk to me about how it was affecting me. But we didn't know what to make of my reactions at the time. First, I felt neutral about the whole thing, then I felt relived. Relieved because I never felt like I sucked his dick good enough or was a good bottom, and not having to worry about it anymore felt good. He told me to practice my sucking skills and wear a butt plug so that I can serve him better. I did those things not because I wanted to be a better sub, but for business reasons. I saw how lousy I was in the porn videos, and realized I had to do better, since people would be watching,
But someone who truly has passion and feels submissive would do it for their Dom and no other reason. They would feel eager, not neutral or relieved. Neither of us realized it at the time, but a few months later I looked back recently and realized why I felt that way. Feeling neutral about things that should have emotion is a sign of depression; it's also a way that your brain protects itself. And I probably felt relieved not because of the dick issue, but because I wasn't experiencing the pain that I felt he was trying to impose on me.
The agreement that Trevor and I had since the beginning was that we are free to hook up with other people. But last summer I got all those romantic feelings going for him and we had some pretty intense drama because of it. But I loved being his sub, and I worked hard to make sure that I channel that love as a sub. I learned to embrace our situation, to be thankful for what we have, and to truly enjoy it. After all, Trevor is an amazing friend and Dom.
I felt that I was more than ready for him to sleep with others. I feel that I was fine with it then and that I'm fine with it now. But all the other things added to it at the same time? No. This all happened last November, just two months after all the drama that we dealt with. But that drama was painful. The unintended message he gave me was that he was trying to put me through that same pain.
I wanted to submit. I wanted to try this. And I wanted to escalate the D/s relationship with him. But it's so hard recognizing what's going on in your sub conscious. As the weeks pushed on, I found myself feeling less and less submissive. Going from something private behind closed doors to broadcasting everything we are all over the internet sure had an affect as well. When it comes to problems, rarely is there a single event to blame.
But I'm relived again. I'm relived because I feel that I finally figured out what the problem was. And I can once again stop those pesky negative thoughts now that they are out in the open. It took me a while to figure it all out, but I did and I'm thankful for it. Was I hurt? Yes, Was it in a way I imagined? No. But there is no anger or sadness on this end, just a desire to move on and take the lesson to heart.
But this is not all about me, it's also about Trevor. He felt a huge amount of guilt over everything, and, as we always do, we talked about it at length. He even thought that perhaps it's toxic for me to be involved with him. And that even though he can commit to not doing it anymore there's still the past. Our past is not all bad, it's mostly good. And I told him that he's saving more than hurting me. Because:
-We are always there for each other when we need someone to listen. He has helped me through several dark times since this past May.
-He has put me in sub-space many times. My life has been in his hands. I've given up complete control to him when he's had me restrained. And being able to just let go and let someone I can trust take control, pushing my limits but yet keeping me safe are among the greatest gifts he has given me. I've had a couple of sad moments since leaving college; and since I've meant Trevor, I've found that they are passing much more quickly. What used to be a dark month is now a dark week, or sometimes even just a dark day. Because of him, the sun comes out more often now.
-Because of Trevor, I've had the opportunity to challenge my views and beliefs about myself, other people, and life in general. He is helping me overcome my social anxiety simply by being himself. He shows me that you can, after all, put your trust and faith in other people. For someone like me, who only trusts a small handful of people of whom I've known for years, this is no small achievement.
-And most importantly, he has shown me that it's okay to have flaws, and that I'm a worthy person despite those flaws. If our serious conversations were not so personal, I would record them all and put them online! Aftercare it something he has always taken so seriously. He is a sensitive and caring person. And that is what makes him a good Dom. Everything else about a Dom doesn't matter without those qualities.
And some good came out of it. I suck dick better and I'm a much better bottom than before. And I discovered something of which I should be proud of. After four years of struggling with protecting myself against negative thoughts, I'm at least now partially doing it on a sub-conscious level. That discovery made the whole experience worth it. This discovery was yet another unexpected gift Trevor gave me. It's funny how some of the best things people do for you are completely unexpected and unintentional. But I am just a sub, perhaps this was his way of helping me grow all along. Perhaps he had a plan and this is exactly how he planned for it to happen. But regardless if this was intentional or not, this is just among the many things I will always be thankful for. Even after we go our separate ways some day, his gifts will last forever. Our past is, after all, the things that we are made of.
Mistakes were made on both ends. I told him how I feel it affected me so that we can both learn for the future. And now I'm ready to move forward. Letting go and learning is what it's all about. You don't get to have the good without the bad. So, the question is, as it always should be, is the good worth the price of the bad? When I comes to our D/s relationship, I can say without a doubt that the answer is YES.
When I was a kid my parents decided that, in lieu of satellite television, they would just load up on the VHS tapes. Among the many classics they ordered was "The Twilight Zone." Before I reached the double digits of age I was hooked! And I've been hooked ever since.
Does this blog entry have anything to do with BDSM and kinks? Yes, it has everything to do with them. As my essay below explains, The Twilight Zone broke new ground in television. It opened up new ways of thinking at a time when it was needed badly. Through using Sci-fi, Serling was able to get his important social commentary across. It was among the many pebbles in the pond that ushered in the era that we are in now. An era where it's safer to be different. The pride that we do have, and the more accepting society that we are in now, we owe it not just to Harvey Milk, or MLK, but to everyone else who helped push (and continue to push) the process along. The essay below is one that I wrote for a film theory class in college.
Rod Serling’s Twilight Zone
“The writer’s role is to menace the public’s conscience. He must have a position, a point of view. He must see the arts as a vehicle of social criticism and he must focus on the issues of his time.” -Rod Serling
The Twilight Zone was the result of a talented writer wishing to be heard amid the censorship imposed by the networks and sponsors at the time. The program was a success both when it was new, has transcended generations, and continues to have an impact today.
After returning home fighting in World War two, Serling enrolled in the physical education program at Antioch College, but soon changed his major to English literature and drama. During his senior year, he married his college sweetheart and won an award for a television script he had written. For the first few years of his career, he wrote mostly radio scripts. Continuing forward with his passion for writing teleplays, he was met with forty rejection slips. His first big break came to him in 1955 writing for the television program Patterns. Throughout the 1950’s, he continued writing dramas about serious issues, finding critical claim and audience appraisal with his works. Among these works, “This Town Has Turned to Dust”, a Playhouse 90 episode that also received the Peabody Award, and “Requiem for heavyweight”, are still considered some of the best writing ever done for television. But he quickly found that his voice was often silenced. Shortly after having his script for “This Town Has Turned to dust” changed to the point it was nearly unrecognizable from the original, Serling commented in a 1958 interview with Mike Wallace, “I have a lot of things I want to make comment on. First prejudice. Which I feel is the most innate evil in our society. Ultimately all our evils grow from it. But you just can’t deal with meaningful social issues on television.” In this same interview, Serling explained the many struggles he faced when trying to bring important issues such as race, fear and corruption front and center. He also discussed The Twilight Zone, which was still in various pre-production stages at the time. His reason for choosing writing for television as his career, and for creating The Twilight Zone, can be summed up in his statement. “I stay in television because I think it’s very possible to perform a function of providing adult, meaningful, exciting, television drama without dealing with controversy. I think it’s criminal that we’re not permitted to make dramatic note of social evils as they exist. Drama should make a comment on those things that affect our daily lives and be able to take a stand.” In 1960, The Twilight Zone premiered on CBS. This was his way of taking a stand on these social evils. By using science fiction, Serling’s plan was to get views across by almost bypassing the censorship restrictions. The network would see it in context of the story and not the views of them or their sponsors. His plan worked. Only one line out of the first 18 scripts was modified.
Ratings for The Twilight Zone were considered a mild success at the time. Luckily, the show sustained itself enough to get five seasons. During it’s run, it was nominated for eleven awards, eight of which were won. Serling once said that he wanted to be remembered as one thing: a writer. He died in 1975 at the young age of 50, with the knowledge that even after over a decade since The Twilight Zone’s cancellation, it’s popularity continued to grow and people were in fact remembering Serling not only as the host but also the writer of some of their most beloved stories. Anne Serling, in her biography about her father, “My dad, as I knew him, Rod Serling” said that her father didn’t think The Twilight Zone was going to have as lasting impact, that eventually, like many other television programs, it would fade from people’s memory over time. If only he lived longer he would have witnessed the timeless impact of his work. To this day we use often use the words “Twilight Zone” to describe an eerie place, feeling or event we witness. And most everyone, young or old, recognizes the iconic opening narration: “You’re traveling through another dimension…..”
The Twilight Zone is without doubt Serling’s crowning achievement. The series has continued to touch viewers of all ages and backgrounds, and therefore continues to be profitable. It’s in syndication around the world, networks here in the U.S run it often and even do occasional marathons. A 1983 film based on the series has been made, two additional series has been produced by the same name in 1985-1989 and 2002-2003. The original series enjoyed a total of 156 episodes, with the additional productions together totalling 153 episodes. Clearly, the interest was and still is strong.
One can argue that “The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street” is the most significant of the original series. In this episode, the residents of a typical suburban neighborhood are suddenly thrown into chaos as the lights go out and cars stop running. A story told by a little boy about a possible alien invasion causes panic among the neighbors. Soon all small, insignificant differences among them are brought front and center as they accuse one another of being among the aliens in disguise attempting to take them over. At the end, the aliens are looking down, pleased with the fact that they don’t have to do a damn thing, they will allow the humans to destroy themselves. In his closing narration, Serling says, “The tools of conquest do not necessarily come with bombs and explosions and fallout. There are weapons that are simply thoughts, attitudes, prejudices, to be found only in the minds of men. For the record, prejudices can kill and suspicion can destroy. And a thoughtless, frightened search for a scapegoat has a fallout all on it’s own, for the children, and the children yet unborn. And the pity of it is, that these things cannot be confined to The Twilight Zone.”
Among the many places you can find this episode is in various elementary classrooms around the country. Lesson plans and discussion questions can be found online for teachers. Anne Serling, in her biography about her father, recalls sitting in on one of these sessions. It was a class of 5th grade students. The teacher played the episode. A discussion about bullying and fear of differences took place after. At the end of the discussion, the teacher asked for the monsters to please stand. Every student stood.
From an emotionally wounded World War 1 soldier, to a college student finding his way in the world, to a writer whose work has had a truly lasting impact. The road to fame was not easy, but one that he paved himself through hard work, determination, and a voice screaming to be heard.
This is Rod Serling’s dimension of imagination. An area also known as The Twilight Zone.
Trevor often says that no one is completely one way or the other. No one is completely Top or Bottom, no one is completely sub or Dom. The duality of life is what keeps it interesting. We may lean one way or the other, but rarely are we 100% on one side.
I always found his statement interesting and very agreeable. But lately, his statement has been ringing more and more true. Before Trevor, I tied up and used two other guys, but they were just one night stands. I always viewed my Dom side as very small, always leaning much more on the sub side. I felt before that I was 10% Dom, 90% sub.
But change is part of life; and lately I've found that preference to change to 30% Dom and 70% sub. My desire to Dom someone has went up a great deal lately.
There are challenges on both sides. What those challenges are and the impacts of them varies on the individual. No matter which side you are on, or are switching to, you must be ready to accept challenges as they come. I don't want to think that I'm avoiding the challenges I've faced as a sub, but having some new challenges on the other side seems like it might be a breath of fresh air.
Sometimes, when you've been on one side long enough, you simply want a change. Rather or not my percentages are going to change at all, only time will tell. But I still feel that I'll always be mostly a sub.
But that's the thing, I have experienced being a sub. I know what whips, candles, drinking piss, being stood/sat on and being degraded feels like. A Dom who is man enough to be willing to take the pain he dishes out, in my opinion, makes a much better Dom than someone who is too scared or unwilling to get first hand experience on the other side. By no means do I expect to be a perfect Dom. Mistakes will be made. But I'll be going into it with a much deeper understanding of what my sub feels, and therefore, will be able to provide better guidance during the aftercare stage and train them better. When a problem arises, or if my sub should need guidance and support, it'll be far more effective being able to say "I remember when I was a sub....." VS. "The last sub I had did this......."
First hand experience is always best. And having that, I believe, will make me a better first time Dom than a Dom who's on their 2nd or 3rd sub. I feel that I might be able to give more to someone as a Dom as well. Trevor has given lots to me, so it makes sense that I would want to pass it on someday. I think I might mentally respond better to being a Dom, and I would be sensitive and caring, partly because that's part of who I am anyway, and partly because I would be able to truly put myself in my sub's shoes in many situations.
Am I right to make all of these assumptions? Perhaps yes, perhaps no. But there's only one way of finding out right?
I'm still, of course, going to be playing with Trevor. Who knows, it might be exiting being on both sides of the fence at once!
So....with all that said. I'm on the market for subs! Let's see how this all pans out...
Am I the right person to be a sub? Is a question I've asked myself many times, and it's an important question that requires careful consideration. This question brings up some others. These questions are also applicable for Doms also.
No matter how in the moment I am, will I always make safety my #1 concern?
Both Dom's AND subs must always make safety their #1 goal. Dom's have to respect the limits,but the subs have to establish them and use the safe word when needed. A month after Trevor and I started hanging out, I told him that I was resisting saying stop at times because I didn't want to ruin the scene. It was a good thing he was very careful, but a sub unable to say no? That's the worst sub a Dom could have. When Trevor told me how uncomfortable it made him me being this way, I shaped up pretty quick. Both the Dom and sub need to be equally concerned about the safety and well being of each other. If our fantasies are going to override the reality that we are human beings and need to take care of one another, than it's best that they remain fantasies. If we can act on them and control ourselves, then lets go for it!
Will participating in these intense scenes help or hurt my mental health?
For me, this was a big question. I've struggled with depression for most of my life. Overall, it's had it's ups and downs, but the temptation of suicide has occurred many times. The majority of the time I feel indifferent as to rather or not I live or die. Does this mean that I should be a sub? As with many other questions involving mental safety, the only way to answer that question is for me to always be mindful of my thoughts, and be open about them with my Dom. You would think it would be detrimental for me to be doing BDSM stuff, but so far it feels the opposite. I feel that I can't always trust myself with my mind, but I can trust him. When I'm restrained and have no control, even when he's giving me pain, among the mixed feelings I have is that I feel safer having my life in his hands rather than mine. For me, the moments that I'm being dominated are the moments I'm living the most. When you go through your life constantly trying to control your negative emotions, it's good to just let go and let someone else take control sometimes. In my kinky mind, it's a romantic experience. Going into sub-space, I found, is very good therapy. It's a good thing I found something, the Zoloft and Paxil didn't quite do it for me. All of us have issues upstairs, don't deny it! And ask yourself the same question as you continue to indulge your desire to submit. If it's hurting your psychological health, think of ways to remedy the situation before just giving up. Of course, a lot of this is very dependent on what kind of Dom you have. Make sure you are each compatible with each other's personalities and flaws, and make sure communication is happening often.
Am I comfortable with myself enough?
This is a big question for me. I've had pretty serious confidence issues throughout my life, and even though I've hooked up with others for vanilla sex many times before, there are times I've taken the D/s relationship that Trevor and I have way too serious. I feel that I excel well licking his feet, balls, ass and pits, but not good enough sucking his dick or being fucked. The way I respond to all challenges in life is that I easily give up because I feel I won't get any better. This has been my way of thinking since I was a child, and setbacks I've had in my life has been mainly because of this. If I truly don't feel that I'm capable of sucking dick better or being a better bottom, than I can't. Changing your thinking is hard, but a Dom expects a better sub than that. A sub has to be open to training and serving his Dom better. Trevor has been an incredibly patient and understanding Dom, but the roadblocks that I put up only decrease the passion. We haven't done too much with mind control yet, but he has told me how to think, including that I can and will get better until he says I can't. That's why I finally got serious about practicing with butt plugs, I'm on a pretty big one now. And even though I don't feel like I've made any progress in the last month with the gag reflex, I'm still working on improving that also. Of course, part of that motivation is because of the video stuff we started doing and the fact that he's punishing me right now. He stopped letting me touch his dick back in early November. And I actually have been enjoying the break, and I've valued the time to reflect on why I'm not so good at it and why I haven't been missing it too much or feeling too eager. You would think that with all the trust I've put in him, and all the passion that I feel, there should be no problems with pleasing him right, or being a better bottom, or that I should have been motivated and more confident to improve before. But that's where life gets confusing. Rarely does anything travel in a straight line. In my case, this is where a BDSM relationship can be a great thing. For one of the few times in my life, I'm fighting to overcome those pesky thoughts. I overcame them when I was in college, and even though it's a lot of work for me, I can do it again. Perhaps if I can get in the habit of always striving to overcome these, other areas of my life may improve. But none of us are able to overcome mental roadblocks easily, but always trying, always being persistent, is bound to get you somewhere.
Am I willing to be patient until I find the right Dom?
While I've always had kinks, I wasn't too much in a rush to experience them, so having that urge to find someone quick was never really there. But I'm glad it turned out that way. Rushing to find a Dom and just settling for one and ignoring red flags means you can really find yourself in a dangerous situation. It's dangerous when someone is desperate to find a boyfriend/girlfriend, imagine a Dom that you rushed to! You must spend time with a potential Dom, learn about one another, get that vibe from them, and trust your gut instinct at all times. I'm lucky to have found the Dom that I have, and if you are out there looking for one, I hope soon you can say the same. Don't settle for just anyone. Be picky. If you escalate things with that Dom at all, your safety, health and well being will depend on it.
What questions have you asked yourself? What have you learned from your adventures? Comment below or chat in the message board.
The journey to accepting yourself, no matter your faults, or "unusual qualities" can be a lifelong one. The path is different for each of us. Learning to embrace your kinky side is certainly on that list of things to accept if you are like me at all.
I grew up in a non-religious household. I can't imagine how difficult it would be if I was catholic, gay and kinky! But nonetheless, I grew up in a small community. There are many great people there, many of which I call my friends. I also lived out on a dirt road, it was a ten minute drive to get back to city lights and pavement. Long days and nights outside was my childhood. Crickets and a soft breeze was both my home and my retreat. The Waltons, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Dr. Laura, Mary Chapin Carpenter and Steve Jobs were my shows and idols. I believed as a child and I believe so now that morals are the very things you define who you are as a human being. Having good ones, and staying true to them are the name of the game.
But often times our morals are less about what we know from experience and more about what we are told to believe. And we have to consider if our morals are there for good reason, or if they are just weighing us down. There can be great sources of morals, and listening to your family and friends when they have advice for you can be wise. But sometimes you have to listen to yourself and question what you have been told. Otherwise, you dislike yourself for thinking these things. Or you simply ignore it. Perhaps you indulge yourself in a sexual fantasy when you are alone with just your thoughts, your hands and your dick. But then go on about your day as it it's not a part of you at all. That's how I did it for years.
Being restrained and dominated, being a guy's footrest, drinking his piss, being used as a chair, being his armrest or licking his piss. Being his sex slave, who's only life goal is to serve, obey and please.
I also have a fantasy that's called Vore. It's where somehow, magically you shrink down to just an inch or so, and a guy swallows you whole. For me, it's the ultimate domination. Becoming part of someone better and stronger than me.
I was both turned on and ashamed of these desires for years. Then I didn't really care about them one way or another, but also never experienced them. Then I finally met Trevor, someone also new to experiencing kinks, and just so happened to be dominate!
We sure have done some kinky, taboo, hot stuff this past eight months. And we have talked a lot. He knows just about everything about me. He even knows something that only my parents also know. First and foremost he is my friend, then my Dom. And that's just the way it should be.
But that's the thing though. I didn't have to accept myself on my own, he helped me do it. That is among the gifts he has given me, acceptance. There's plenty of things in life that we can be ashamed of, but being Kinky should not be one of them. As long as safety and consent are always the priorities, indulging in your deepest desires helps you grow as a person. And having someone to at least talk to you about them, who doesn't judge but rather strive to sympathize or understand, is also great thing to have.
Of course, accepting yourself is only part of the equation. What about others? How important is their perception or opinion of you? Deciding who to open up to and when depends on your own situation. For good reasons, you could keep your kinky side behind closed doors so that it doesn't interfere with your life. But if you happen to be in the right situation to where you can tell people the truth, why not? Giving people a false impression of who I am, no matter what aspect of life we're talking about, I don't like doing. I like being an open book. It feels somewhat similar to when I came out as gay, a big weight being lifted off my shoulders.
In my little corner of the world, the people I've told have been mostly supportive and even a little intrigued. It will be better or worse for others.
Telling people you are kinky is one thing. But acting on them in a safe and consensual way? That's where it really gets complicated! Future posts in my blog will focus on that. Part of the focus of this website is education and outreach. We are hoping to spread the little bit of knowledge and insight that we have, and encourage others to do the same. After all, learning and growing together is what BDSM and kinks should be all about, such as life.
I expect to always have morals and ideals to live by, and while they are subject to change, the very reason I have them will not: To do right for both myself and others and respect everyone's desire to live a happy, meaningful and fulfilling life.
Ayn Rand's famous passage from Atlas Shrugged is a good moral message to end this post:
"I sear by my life and my love it it, that I will not live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine."
Well.....If I can get chained up in a sexy man's basement and be his full time sex slave THEN I'll live for another man. Maybe someday in the future Trevor?
My friends and family would describe me as a somewhat quiet person who enjoys the simple things in life. Long walks outside, lazy days on the beach, reading, movies, checking on the latest news in this crazy world. I have some very close friends who I value as much as I do my family. When I’m with others, I thrive on those long coffee sessions; sitting in the car for a few hours on a cool night, where no topic is off limits and both laughs and tears are welcome. One on one conversations are always preferred over crowded rooms. While I appreciate this preference of mine, and will always treasure the memories from those and the memories yet to come, I’m also well aware that this preference was born out of minor hearing loss and a little bit of social anxiety.
Conquering those fears can mean different things. Therapy and drugs have never been much of a match for me. I’ve always tried to fix these things myself. Meditation has been a very important tool in my life. It helps you to both stop a busy, tried mind that can’t rest and allows you to look within using a different perspective. When I was a young child I wanted to go to a summer camp and I got all exited when I found one. My dad tried to explain to me that it was a buddhist camp, and therefore a religious one. I had no idea what that meant but I wanted to go anyway. I never became a buddhist, but the things I learned there that summer and a few summers afterward stay with me to this day. Look within. Stay humble. Understand that all beings deserve peace and happiness and strive to live in the present moment. I will never consider myself a religious person, but always a spiritual one. I don’t choose one set of beliefs, but rather keep those possibilities open.
But not only single solution can change your life. Connecting big things and small things together is what creates change; be it within ourselves or with the entire world. So what is the next best solution? It’s simply to get yourself out there and do the very things that you fear. The storms in your mind will only subside if you let the clouds pass instead of holding on to them. Conquer by living. Striving to grow is the only way to live.
Of course, sex has also always been something I’ve been passionate about. But for some of us it’s a little more complicated than just sex. Each of us, myself included, are our own worst enemy. From accepting my sexual orientation in my teens and early 20’s, to embracing and enjoying my kinks, I’ve found that truly being proud of who you are is an ongoing journey. I have and always will have my faults, but one I’m not interested in having anymore is avoiding the temptation to indulge in something great. Something safe, passionate, and that forces you to grow.
Since I was a young child I’ve always enjoyed stories. Be it fiction or truth, if it’s well told, well written or well shown in a film I’m there with all ears and eyes. As I’ve gotten a little older I’ve found that our own life stories, both the ones we are told and the ones that we tell others are the best ones. We really are our own novels. We can’t skip ahead and see where or how a chapter will end. And even though we can write some of it ourselves, those plot twists always have a way to surprise us.
Trevor is one of those plot twists. Eight months ago I went from being a film student to being a filmmaker lost in the world of resumes and applications. Two weeks after graduation, there I was again finding someone off of Grindr and driving to a stranger’s house. We chatted briefly about our kinks and what we wanted to do. Is he as hot as he is in those pictures? Is it going to be strange and awkward or will I actually enjoy his company? A sexy, friendly, compassionate man answered the door. What I thought was only going to be an hour or two turned into a whole night. What I thought was only going to last for a few sessions is now going on eight months. He restrained me the very first time we met, and many times after that. My life has been in his hands many times, and through these bondage sessions and conversation, trust and passion has grown. We are both new at this, and have always taken things rather slowly, but it has been truly amazing. Never before have I had the opportunity to explore my darkest kinks with someone. BDSM, feet, watersports, worshiping his body, objectification and many other things have been happening often. And I never realized just how personal sex can be. In the beginning, that was both the best and hardest part. Vanilla hookups have always been just fun. But BDSM and kinks? There’s much more to it than that. If a Dom and sub are a match, then you are forced to bond. You have to. Love easily develops. Is it the traditional “let’s date than yet married in three years” type of relationship? No, but it’s still a type of love just as passionate, serious and intimate. Sub-drop and Dom-drop are real things. Getting personal; being vulnerable on an emotional level is a real thing.
That’s a little bit about me. More about me and the things that I’ve learned will be on their way soon to my blog. We are hoping that this website connects people people together, encourages growth between fellow kinksters, and helps people have pride in who they are. Your dark side, after all, could be your bright side hiding in a cloud of confusion.