BDSM and kinks are powerful, fun, and rewarding, but as with anything worth exploring in life, risk comes with it. As I've explained in previous entries, I suffer from depression, anxiety, and have faced thoughts of suicide many times in my past. I would not have made it this far if it wasn't for persistence to be constantly be aware of my thoughts. Which ones are logical? Which ones are not? These were the two big questions I challenged myself with every day throughout my college career. I put college off until I was 25, and when I finally made the jump and got enrolled, I realized that I wasn't going to make it in school or in life if I allowed the depression to get the best of me. I found that in order to complete my education, my thoughts had to change. I had to stop telling myself that I couldn't. I had to avoid feeling so inferior and less smart or capable then my peers. And I had to have a positive attitude. While I still struggle today, I'm far better off then I was before my college days. Through determination to better myself, I got into the habit of protecting myself from myself. Making sure the feelings of worthlessness and being less of a person then others did not get into my way. I graduated almost a year ago now, but after four years of practicing this, it became a habit, and a good one.
But that's where things get confusing. In my own life, I struggle with these feelings, but yet in the bedroom they also turn me on! I think there's a lot to be said about having the opportunity to celebrate your problems, to embrace both the good and the bad about yourself, and when Trevor ties me up and uses me, he's in control. I don't have to do a damn thing but lay there and submit, and I get a break from constantly worrying about what I'm thinking. It makes me feel relieved and ready to keep taking the problems on. Sometimes in order to make a problem better, you have to embrace it first.
But you have to know how far to take it. To an extent, it can help, but it can also hurt if you go to far. That's the reality of BDSM. And how far is too far is completely individual.
Case in point: Trevor and I. We have talked at length about my issues. He has been there and helped me many times. And my life is easier and better because of him. Mind fucking is a big part of his kinks, and I expressed concern that I may not be the right person for it, but I also consented to it. Looking back, I knew deep down inside that it was wrong for me to do that kind of play. Safety starts with the sub. If the sub doesn't establish the needed limits, then that's where the danger begins.
Trevor was very careful as to how he carried it out. It started out first as a new punishment; I was not allowed to touch his dick anymore. Then, he hooked up with three other people inside of one week, sent me pics of his new "better" bottom and also sent some text messages telling me how much of a worthless fag I am. While I licked his ass, he edged but didn't cum, saying that I wasn't good enough to make him cum.
The word "fag" is also an issue with me. I had a fairly severe speech impediment growing up. In fact, you could hardly understand a word I was saying for the first ten years of my life. Because I sounded so different, the other kids decided that I was gay, They called me every name in the book, but mostly "fag" and "fag boy". While there are other factors that affected my ability to develop social skills, this certainly played a big role in my development. Being called these names constantly every day as a young child, not having a single teacher or staff member attempt to stop it was hard enough. Finding out later that I was gay? Not easy at all. I was even called fag during my high school graduation. It hurts for any gay person to be called this, and my history with this word probably means that I shouldn't play with it. It gets difficult here, because as much as I want to embrace and celebrate my problems and past in the context of BDSM play, there's still unsafe paths that should be avoided. I didn't recognize this, in fact I told Trevor that the word doesn't bother me anymore. I told him this several times over the course of six months. But time has passed, personal reflection has happened, and he said he won't use that word with me anymore. That was his call, and it's probably for the best.
All of those things were just meant for play. And compared to other mental play, it's very light. He was being very careful, and he made sure to talk to me about how it was affecting me. But we didn't know what to make of my reactions at the time. First, I felt neutral about the whole thing, then I felt relived. Relieved because I never felt like I sucked his dick good enough or was a good bottom, and not having to worry about it anymore felt good. He told me to practice my sucking skills and wear a butt plug so that I can serve him better. I did those things not because I wanted to be a better sub, but for business reasons. I saw how lousy I was in the porn videos, and realized I had to do better, since people would be watching,
But someone who truly has passion and feels submissive would do it for their Dom and no other reason. They would feel eager, not neutral or relieved. Neither of us realized it at the time, but a few months later I looked back recently and realized why I felt that way. Feeling neutral about things that should have emotion is a sign of depression; it's also a way that your brain protects itself. And I probably felt relieved not because of the dick issue, but because I wasn't experiencing the pain that I felt he was trying to impose on me.
The agreement that Trevor and I had since the beginning was that we are free to hook up with other people. But last summer I got all those romantic feelings going for him and we had some pretty intense drama because of it. But I loved being his sub, and I worked hard to make sure that I channel that love as a sub. I learned to embrace our situation, to be thankful for what we have, and to truly enjoy it. After all, Trevor is an amazing friend and Dom.
I felt that I was more than ready for him to sleep with others. I feel that I was fine with it then and that I'm fine with it now. But all the other things added to it at the same time? No. This all happened last November, just two months after all the drama that we dealt with. But that drama was painful. The unintended message he gave me was that he was trying to put me through that same pain.
I wanted to submit. I wanted to try this. And I wanted to escalate the D/s relationship with him. But it's so hard recognizing what's going on in your sub conscious. As the weeks pushed on, I found myself feeling less and less submissive. Going from something private behind closed doors to broadcasting everything we are all over the internet sure had an affect as well. When it comes to problems, rarely is there a single event to blame.
But I'm relived again. I'm relived because I feel that I finally figured out what the problem was. And I can once again stop those pesky negative thoughts now that they are out in the open. It took me a while to figure it all out, but I did and I'm thankful for it. Was I hurt? Yes, Was it in a way I imagined? No. But there is no anger or sadness on this end, just a desire to move on and take the lesson to heart.
But this is not all about me, it's also about Trevor. He felt a huge amount of guilt over everything, and, as we always do, we talked about it at length. He even thought that perhaps it's toxic for me to be involved with him. And that even though he can commit to not doing it anymore there's still the past. Our past is not all bad, it's mostly good. And I told him that he's saving more than hurting me. Because:
-We are always there for each other when we need someone to listen. He has helped me through several dark times since this past May.
-He has put me in sub-space many times. My life has been in his hands. I've given up complete control to him when he's had me restrained. And being able to just let go and let someone I can trust take control, pushing my limits but yet keeping me safe are among the greatest gifts he has given me. I've had a couple of sad moments since leaving college; and since I've meant Trevor, I've found that they are passing much more quickly. What used to be a dark month is now a dark week, or sometimes even just a dark day. Because of him, the sun comes out more often now.
-Because of Trevor, I've had the opportunity to challenge my views and beliefs about myself, other people, and life in general. He is helping me overcome my social anxiety simply by being himself. He shows me that you can, after all, put your trust and faith in other people. For someone like me, who only trusts a small handful of people of whom I've known for years, this is no small achievement.
-And most importantly, he has shown me that it's okay to have flaws, and that I'm a worthy person despite those flaws. If our serious conversations were not so personal, I would record them all and put them online! Aftercare it something he has always taken so seriously. He is a sensitive and caring person. And that is what makes him a good Dom. Everything else about a Dom doesn't matter without those qualities.
And some good came out of it. I suck dick better and I'm a much better bottom than before. And I discovered something of which I should be proud of. After four years of struggling with protecting myself against negative thoughts, I'm at least now partially doing it on a sub-conscious level. That discovery made the whole experience worth it. This discovery was yet another unexpected gift Trevor gave me. It's funny how some of the best things people do for you are completely unexpected and unintentional. But I am just a sub, perhaps this was his way of helping me grow all along. Perhaps he had a plan and this is exactly how he planned for it to happen. But regardless if this was intentional or not, this is just among the many things I will always be thankful for. Even after we go our separate ways some day, his gifts will last forever. Our past is, after all, the things that we are made of.
Mistakes were made on both ends. I told him how I feel it affected me so that we can both learn for the future. And now I'm ready to move forward. Letting go and learning is what it's all about. You don't get to have the good without the bad. So, the question is, as it always should be, is the good worth the price of the bad? When I comes to our D/s relationship, I can say without a doubt that the answer is YES.