Am I the right person to be a sub? Is a question I've asked myself many times, and it's an important question that requires careful consideration. This question brings up some others. These questions are also applicable for Doms also.
No matter how in the moment I am, will I always make safety my #1 concern?
Both Dom's AND subs must always make safety their #1 goal. Dom's have to respect the limits,but the subs have to establish them and use the safe word when needed. A month after Trevor and I started hanging out, I told him that I was resisting saying stop at times because I didn't want to ruin the scene. It was a good thing he was very careful, but a sub unable to say no? That's the worst sub a Dom could have. When Trevor told me how uncomfortable it made him me being this way, I shaped up pretty quick. Both the Dom and sub need to be equally concerned about the safety and well being of each other. If our fantasies are going to override the reality that we are human beings and need to take care of one another, than it's best that they remain fantasies. If we can act on them and control ourselves, then lets go for it!
Will participating in these intense scenes help or hurt my mental health?
For me, this was a big question. I've struggled with depression for most of my life. Overall, it's had it's ups and downs, but the temptation of suicide has occurred many times. The majority of the time I feel indifferent as to rather or not I live or die. Does this mean that I should be a sub? As with many other questions involving mental safety, the only way to answer that question is for me to always be mindful of my thoughts, and be open about them with my Dom. You would think it would be detrimental for me to be doing BDSM stuff, but so far it feels the opposite. I feel that I can't always trust myself with my mind, but I can trust him. When I'm restrained and have no control, even when he's giving me pain, among the mixed feelings I have is that I feel safer having my life in his hands rather than mine. For me, the moments that I'm being dominated are the moments I'm living the most. When you go through your life constantly trying to control your negative emotions, it's good to just let go and let someone else take control sometimes. In my kinky mind, it's a romantic experience. Going into sub-space, I found, is very good therapy. It's a good thing I found something, the Zoloft and Paxil didn't quite do it for me. All of us have issues upstairs, don't deny it! And ask yourself the same question as you continue to indulge your desire to submit. If it's hurting your psychological health, think of ways to remedy the situation before just giving up. Of course, a lot of this is very dependent on what kind of Dom you have. Make sure you are each compatible with each other's personalities and flaws, and make sure communication is happening often.
Am I comfortable with myself enough?
This is a big question for me. I've had pretty serious confidence issues throughout my life, and even though I've hooked up with others for vanilla sex many times before, there are times I've taken the D/s relationship that Trevor and I have way too serious. I feel that I excel well licking his feet, balls, ass and pits, but not good enough sucking his dick or being fucked. The way I respond to all challenges in life is that I easily give up because I feel I won't get any better. This has been my way of thinking since I was a child, and setbacks I've had in my life has been mainly because of this. If I truly don't feel that I'm capable of sucking dick better or being a better bottom, than I can't. Changing your thinking is hard, but a Dom expects a better sub than that. A sub has to be open to training and serving his Dom better. Trevor has been an incredibly patient and understanding Dom, but the roadblocks that I put up only decrease the passion. We haven't done too much with mind control yet, but he has told me how to think, including that I can and will get better until he says I can't. That's why I finally got serious about practicing with butt plugs, I'm on a pretty big one now. And even though I don't feel like I've made any progress in the last month with the gag reflex, I'm still working on improving that also. Of course, part of that motivation is because of the video stuff we started doing and the fact that he's punishing me right now. He stopped letting me touch his dick back in early November. And I actually have been enjoying the break, and I've valued the time to reflect on why I'm not so good at it and why I haven't been missing it too much or feeling too eager. You would think that with all the trust I've put in him, and all the passion that I feel, there should be no problems with pleasing him right, or being a better bottom, or that I should have been motivated and more confident to improve before. But that's where life gets confusing. Rarely does anything travel in a straight line. In my case, this is where a BDSM relationship can be a great thing. For one of the few times in my life, I'm fighting to overcome those pesky thoughts. I overcame them when I was in college, and even though it's a lot of work for me, I can do it again. Perhaps if I can get in the habit of always striving to overcome these, other areas of my life may improve. But none of us are able to overcome mental roadblocks easily, but always trying, always being persistent, is bound to get you somewhere.
Am I willing to be patient until I find the right Dom?
While I've always had kinks, I wasn't too much in a rush to experience them, so having that urge to find someone quick was never really there. But I'm glad it turned out that way. Rushing to find a Dom and just settling for one and ignoring red flags means you can really find yourself in a dangerous situation. It's dangerous when someone is desperate to find a boyfriend/girlfriend, imagine a Dom that you rushed to! You must spend time with a potential Dom, learn about one another, get that vibe from them, and trust your gut instinct at all times. I'm lucky to have found the Dom that I have, and if you are out there looking for one, I hope soon you can say the same. Don't settle for just anyone. Be picky. If you escalate things with that Dom at all, your safety, health and well being will depend on it.
What questions have you asked yourself? What have you learned from your adventures? Comment below or chat in the message board.